Happy Thanksgiving

Our day began at 5:30 am. B woke up ill, very ill...this lasted for several hours. It finally subsided for him. Mark on the other hand has been in the bed all day long, nauseated, not feeling well. We were supposed to leave for Mobile this morning between 7 & 8 am. The plan was to arrive and eat lunch with Mark's family.

Mark's sister and I were going to get out very early in the morning to see if we could catch some good deals. The later part of tomorrow was going to be spent baking cupcakes for the baby shower that is planned for Saturday. This baby shower that I am so excited about, have planned for, and have looked so forward to. I really hope the bug is over in our house so that we can go tomorrow or at least make it very early on Saturday morning. I was/am really looking forward to this baby shower. I understand completely why E is sad and can't figure out why we aren't going. She cried herself to sleep in my lap earlier...not able to understand why we weren't getting in the car at 6 pm to go to Mobile.

Both kids are watching the Peanuts Thanksgiving show. I hope tomorrow is a better day in our house.

Another piece of my Puzzle

I received a call from my dad tonight. I haven't heard from him and haven't called him in some time. E-mail is my main form of communication and he doesn't e-mail. Then again, if he did, I am not sure how much we would communicate. I have to admit that there are times e-mail communication would be much easier between me & him. Out of his 3 children, I am the only one who still speaks to him. So, as you can imagine, I am the one he finds out most things from - about the other two children. He always asks me how they are doing...I usually respond "as far as I know, all is well". I rarely talk to my sister (we used to e-mail or talk almost daily) and even less to my brother. It just isn't something we all do... Anyway, he asked me tonight how they all were, if Kyle's wife was still enjoying her job. He didn't know that she had changed jobs some time ago...I guess that never came up and I didn't tell him as I don't think about changes to everyone and what I should tell him. He also didn't know that my sister in law is pregnant. I didn't think he knew because I haven't received a phone call from him saying "Did you know J was pregnant? Why haven't you called to tell me?!" "I guess they just don't want me to be involved or to know this baby!" Well, as you can guess where this post is going, I was the bearer or good/bad news to him this evening. He called to check on us, ask about my recent trip to DC and other family issues. He was asking what all they were up to after finding out that she had changed her job and if Kyle was still at the same employer. I finally told him, look, you should know that J is pregnant. Silence...just silence..."what did you just say?" So, I repeated that she is pregnant, due in January and it is a little girl....Silence...Anyone notice the position I am in at this point? I have just dug the knife in deeper. Yes, there are so many things that I could bring up from my past. These might help you understand the veins and arteries that pump the life in and out of the feelings for him - from all 3 of us, but we don't have time. Even so, I am the one in the middle. I don't think either side - my siblings nor my dad - intend for this to be the case, but it just how things are. So, after commenting that he couldn't believe they didn't want him to know, didn't want him to be a part of this grandchild's life - through tears he told me that he had to get off of the phone. So, now I sit here on my couch in my den with a lamp on, the Christmas tree lights on, and my laptop. The hum of the heater and creaks in the house. These are the sounds I hear. I know that if I were sitting outside of his window right now, I would hear sobs of sadness and pain. No matter how much we can say he put himself in this position, it is sad to me to know that someone, anyone, is in this much pain and feels this kind of rejection. Again, thanks for letting me type this out. I have no idea if you have read it or not or will read it. But, I needed to put this on "paper".

I am so envious (yes, I know this is a sin) of those with normal families who are in the movies. You know the ones who get together and have a great time over the holidays and everyone looks like they love each other - if only for the photos - they still look like they do. Oh to have a normal family, whatever that is....

16 years ago...

Ever notice how many of my blog entries have a number in the title? I just noticed it....interesting isn't it?

Anyway, I have thought a lot about my mother lately. Not that she is ever completely out of my mind, just not at the front of or in all thoughts. It is also interesting how time really does make things easier and how some memories do not come as easily as others. I remember, on a night like tonight, sitting on the den floor watching TV. My back was propped up against the couch (very ugly couch). My mom had returned to Saraland from MD Anderson Hospital in Houston. She had been home for a few weeks at this time. She returned knowing that she was at the end of her journey here on earth. The doctors had told her that they could continue experimental drugs, but due to the damage already done, she would most likely not survive the additional rounds of treatment. She made the decision to come home to die there, surrounded by her family. She came home in the middle of October and for the following weeks, made preparations to die. She had us go through all of her things, bag up clothes for Goodwill/Salvation Army, things to give back to people who had given them to her...on and on. We helped her go through her things - her life. After the first couple of weeks, she began to sleep a lot. I would watch her breathe...like I watched my two children breathe as newborn babies. She would have such labored breathing. Little did I know that this wasn't labored at all. Sitting in my den here in Auburn tonight, somehow took me back to the den at 729 Dennis Drive 16 years ago. I was sitting there, back up against the couch, watching TV. Listening to her breathe...sometimes it was gone for a time...I would think, this must be it. Then it would begin again. She was sleeping on the ugly couch covered up on a green/multi-colored afgan. My brother has this afgan. One of his memories of her is being covered up in this blanket on the couch. One lamp was on and the TV, oh, and the Christmas tree lights. Just like in my den tonight - except the TV isn't on. She had us put the tree up early that year. We always put it up the Saturday after Thanksgiving, but not in 1992.

Thanksgiving was just around the corner....we had dinner at my unlce's house. Uncle Ronnie & his wife, Judy were hosting all of us that year. Me, my sister & brother went...I think my dad stayed at home with my mom and her family that day. It was the first time that I ate deep fried turkey. I remember that it was good. So many details of that day that I remember...interesting the things I remember. The weekend of Thanksgiving would be her last weekend with us.

She was rushed to the hospital in excruciating pain. We found out at the hospital that she was having mini strokes. I have never researched it, but I assume this happens when there are no more red blood cells in your blood - very little oxygen being carried throughout your body. That is jut my layman's interpretation of what I saw happening. What transpired over the next day was the most painful days of my life. Others have died since, but nothing as painful as what I watched happen. Before she went into a coma, she verbalized in deep sadness that she was leaving her baby. I have never felt that she wasn't acknowledging the fact she was leaving me (19) and my sister (22). It was so powerful her pain of leaving her 12 year old. I can not imagine knowing that is happening and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. That was a hard night. I honestly thought when I left the hospital room that night, I wouldn't see her alive again. He never saw her alive again. Kyle didn't make it to the hospital before she died. I think she wanted it that way...

She died the next day, November 30, 1992. After truly labored breathing, she went to sleep, very peaceful sleep. There are days I still can't believe she is gone - she doesn't know my children, she doesn't know me as a wife or mom; she left only knowing me as her daughter and sister to her other children. On days like today, when I sit in my den and it takes me back to my final days with her, I miss her terribly. I have to remember the days we had with her...I have to share her with my children. They are very interested in her and still try to figure out why she isn't here. Death is a hard thing to explain to a now 6 and 3 year old.

I didn't write this to make others sad...really, I didn't. I just needed to write this. So many more details that could be added to this story. Some years the anniversary of her death goes by and around December 10th, I realize that the 30th has passed and the 3rd too (the day we buried her). Other times, like this year, it feels a lot like it did 16 years ago...not sure why, but it is very real to me this year. Thanks for letting me share this part of me.

Life with a Six and a half (important) year old

I have to remind myself, on many occassions, that our son is only 6 years old. The half part of his age is very important to him. He counts his age in quarters. In January, he will be 6 and three fourths old. Crazy, I know. Many times, he is so grown up. The monster that we have created in him. It may be a disservice to him. We have always treated him as a person - maybe a grown up - when he should have been treated like a child, even an infant. I remember talking to him one day while buying groceries. A fellow shopper commented that she couldn't believe I was speaking to him about the things going into the buggy. She wanted me to know that an infant in a carrier couldn't understand what I was talking about. I just smiled (really, I did). All of this to say, I have to remind myself that he isn't an adult with a voice of reason completely formed at this age. He is, after all, only 6.

In his classroom, they have levels of behavior. As a student in this class, you can receive a smile, straight or frown face in your planner at the end of each day. As a parent, you sign that you have seen this reflection of the day. We have had smiles most of the year, a couple of straight faces and now two frowns. This doesn't settle well in our home. When confronted as to why he had a frown for last Friday, he quickly described another child hitting him in the head and how he told this other child to stop. This one infraction, under the supervision of a substitute, caused a frown? !?! I knew that there had to more to this story. It is interesting how being a mother gives us so many superpowers. It is like we can read the minds of our children. I knew he was lying. I couldn't imagine a substitute giving him a bad report for defending himself against the evil child who would strike my child in the head. Great story, but I wasn't buying it. I explained that I would e-mail his teacher to verify the said event and find out if there was anything else I needed to know. He cried a little harder (the crying began when he showed me the frown) and admitted it was a lie. OK, now I was really disappointed. Turns out, he was just talking and talking and talking and talking. Oh and disrupting and disturbing his friends who were trying to get their work done. He was one of 9 children listed as participating in the disruption on Friday.

As parents, we have to discipline our children, right? There are days that I really do not like the job of parenting. Once Mark arrived home from work, the two of them left to go somewhere to discuss the infractions. Once home, B had to write a note of apology to his teacher and to the substitute from Friday. For the next 7 days, he can not watch any TV or play his XBox, he can not go to a friends house, and has to be in bed by 7 pm each night. Also, for 30 minutes to an hour after homework is done, he is to do yardwork - we have a lot of leaves to be raked. So far, he doesn't seem to be much affected by the punishment and says it is ok to not have these privilges for the next 7 days. If there is a complaint about any of these rules/punishments he gets a day added to the 7. I think by the end of the 7 days he may wish that we didn't have trees in our yard, or even that he had different parents. Oh well, it isn't all fun and games. His teacher feels very confident that he will correct his behavior. She said that she only has to correct him once on anything for his behavior to change. Only if his parents were so lucky!

46 years old

Virgil Starks, a fellow church member, died on Saturday. He was 46. He died of a heart attack - I think they paper stated "cardiac arrest". He leaves a wife and 3 daughters. Please pray for this family. They are preparing a daughter for radiation therapy for thyroid cancer. She is 13 (maybe 14, I could be wrong). Please pray for this family. I know what scripture tells us, yet I have to question how much more a family, a wife & mother, a daughter, a sister - can take. I pray for them and hope you will too. They will bury their husband & dad tomorrow. If you think of them, please pray for them.

Too Long

I can't believe it has been almost a month since my last post. What have I been doing? Many things, many, many things...

One of these many things included a trip to Washington DC. I arrived in DC on Saturday, Nov. 1st. This year, I was able to visit with the Ball family on Saturday and have lunch with Mrs. B on Monday in town. How fun it was. They took me to IKEA - my first time in an IKEA - on Saturday. I absolutely LOVE that store. There is one in Atlanta, and I hope to visit it sometime soon. Just a fun place - and so reasonably priced. Just right for a frugal girl like me. Their children, D & M are so wonderful! I enjoyed being with them too. The road to their church is amazingly beautiful. I can still see the rolling hills at the horse farms and the colorful trees along the way.

I also happened to be in DC on Tuesday, November 4th. I know that politics can be quite controversial, but I have to share my feelings about this election. I have watched this progress and was so excited about the election - and that I would be in DC when it all happened. The closing banquet of the conference was that evening. Tuesday morning started out with guest speakers, James Carville & Mary Matlin - how wonderful. It was so exciting. They are both very funny and so passionate about what they do. So, Tuesday rolls along, waiting on the darkness to fall and returns to be posted...we waited...we ate dinner...we danced...we ran to the election room...we watched the TV...we watched....we waited...we danced more...ate an ice cream sundae...waited...then it happened...CNN called the election. It was announced that Barak Obama had been elected the next president of the United States. I believed it b/c I felt strongly that it would happen, but then again, I couldn't believe it. I just stood there...just stood there. Celebrations all over the hotel. I fell asleep in a chair in the hotel - the conference participants were all watching televisions together. There was a crowd around every television in the Washington Hilton on Connecticut Ave. I woke up to John McCain speaking. I was impressed, he was gracious, said what he needed to say...and was done. Then we waited....found another television...waited...fell asleep in the chair again. I decided to walk across the street to my hotel to watch Barak Obama there. As I exited the elevator, I saw a small crowd in the lounge watching TV. There they were, walking out on stage. Wow... I watched in awe. Some readers of this blog are probably looking for a bag or trash can to puke into now. I know that some people will never be able to see what I see in this man - and I don't even know this man. I sat there listening. HE is our next president. wow. One tear fell, then another, then a couple more. Then the flood gate opened. I was sobbing as if I were at a funeral of a dear friend. As I sat there, a black man (or brown man as known in our home) walked over to get me napkins for the tears and running nose. I noticed he was crying. The older white man next to me, well he was crying too. I looked across the room - the hotel staff for the lounge had all come from the kitchen and bar to stand and watch - they were crying. When I first sat down, there was no one behind me and only 6 or 7 people in the lounge. Every time I turned around, the crowd grew. It was a very moving experience for me. There I was. A girl from Alabama - deep south. Raised in a home where blacks were mocked, not respected, and thought to not hold the same value as us - the whites. Yes, even in my home, this was the case. Somehow, along the way, I decided - realized - dreamed - something - that this wasn't normal. A person's value wasn't to be determined by their skin color. I am not sure how I formed that view in my own mind. I am thankful every day that I did. I am proud that we have elected a president who isn't caucasion. More than that, I am glad that we elected Barak Obama as our next president. It says something about us that we have moved to this place. History was made and I watched it. I remember my mom telling the story of JFK's assassination and how she had very vivid memories of that day. I think I know what that feels like now. I will never forget Tuesday, November 4, 2oo8. I look forward to explaining this day in more detail to our children as they get older.

So, after the speech, I walk over to my hotel. The sound of DC was amazing. Horns honking, screams, yells, celebrations - heard all over. I opened my window and packed my bags to the sounds of DC that night/morning. The celebrations and honking horns continued for some time. I finally fell asleep around 3:00 that morning. That was a good night.

I know I give too many details and go on and on. I am not a good story teller or writer. Mark doesn't like for me to tell him things - I give too many details. So, sorry to you all for going on this long.